


Trying To Breathe

by indecisivejoy



Series: Stupid Written Stuff [5]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Poetry, Sad, Sad Ending, poem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:47:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21716377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indecisivejoy/pseuds/indecisivejoy
Summary: Your breath isn't steadyYour heartbeat's too fastYou feel so un-readyYou feel just like broken glassYou wipe away the tearsThreatening to spillYou force yourself to focusYou force yourself to be stillClose your eyesStart to breathe
Series: Stupid Written Stuff [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1312280
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	Trying To Breathe

_Your breath isn't steady_ _Your heartbeat's too fast_   
_You feel so un-ready_   
_You feel just like broken glass_

_You wipe away the tears_   
_Threatening to spill_   
_You force yourself to focus_   
_You force yourself to be still_

_Close your eyes_

_Start to breathe_

_In through your nose_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_

_Hold_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_   
_5_   
_6_   
_7_

_Out through your mouth_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_   
_5_   
_6_   
_7_   
_8_

_Good_   
_Again_

_In_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_

_Hold_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_   
_5_   
_6_   
_7_

_Out_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_   
_5_   
_6_   
_7_   
_8_

_Concentrate solely on your breathing_

_Don't move_   
_Don't speak_   
_Don't think_

_Just breathe_

_Again and again_

_And it's quiet_

_So quiet_

_You only hear yourself breathe_

_And it's driving you crazy_

_You hate the quiet_   
_You've always just despised it_

_No sound to overpower the thoughts in your head_   
_No sound to distract you from anything bad_   
_In your mind_   
_Which isn't known to be kind_

_The thoughts are slowly building in your head_   
_Though they aren't at their worst just yet_

_So just keep breathing_

_In through your mouth_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_

_Hold_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_   
_5_   
_6_   
_7_

_Out through your nose_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_   
_5_   
_6_   
_7_   
_8_

_Again_

_In_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_

_Out_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_   
_5_   
_6_   
_7_

_Hold_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_

_Wait_

_No_

_Stop_

_Open your eyes_

_You did it wrong_   
_You failed_

_Just like you seem to fail everything else_

_No_

_Stop_

_Stop thinking_   
_Just try again_

_Blink away the tears_   
_Close your eyes_   
_Focus_   
_Breathe_

_In_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_

_Hold_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_   
_5_   
_6_   
_7_

_Out_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_   
_5_   
_6_   
_7_   
_8_

_Look_   
_You see_   
_It isn't that hard_

_Just focus_   
_And you won't fall apart_

_Breathing_

_You can do that_

_Maybe it's the only thing you're remotely good at_

_But you can do that_

_Even if it's the only thing you can do_   
_Even if there's nothing else you are able to do_   
_Even if after steadying your breathing_

_You will be good at nothing again_

_In_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_

_Hold_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_   
_5_   
_6_   
_7_   
_8_

_Out_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_

_You need more air_

_In_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_   
_5_   
_6_   
_7_   
_8_

_Hold_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_

_Out_

_1_   
_2_

_In_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_

_Hold_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_   
_5_

_Out_

_1_

_In_

_1_   
_2_

_Hold_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_   
_4_   
_5_   
_6_

_You can't do it_

_7_   
_8_

_You're a failure_

_9_   
_10_

_You can't even breath_

_11_   
_12_

_Stupid_

_13_   
_14_

_Useless_

_15_   
_16_

_It's still oh so quiet_

_17_

_It's driving you mad_

_18_

_Why is it so quiet?_

_19_

_And why does it feel so bad?_

_20_

_You're getting dizzy_

_21_

_Your mind is fuzzy_

_22_

_And you start remembering that you need to breathe_   
_Because you are still holding it_   
_And you need to let it go_

_Out_

_1_   
_2_   
_3_

_You gasp for air_

_In_

_1_   
_2_

_Hold_

_1_   
_2_

_Out_   
_1_

_It's not working_   
_No, it's not helping at all_

_So you stop trying_   
_To control_

_Just let it be_

_Let your breathing get unsteady on its own_

_You feel your hand move_

_But why is it moving?_

_You're not moving it!_

_You hold your hand_   
_In front of your face_

_Finally something_   
_To fixate on your gaze_

_It's shaking_

_Why is it shaking?_

_Your whole arm is shaking_   
_You feel your entire body shaking_   
_Your breath is shaking_   
_The pen in your hand is shaking_

_Until it drops from your grip_   
_That's been way too strong_

_It falls into your paper_

_Its ink starts to flow_   
_Onto it_

_Smudging the seemingly mocking words_

_But you don't care_

_It weren't good words_

_They came from you_

_And you aren't any good_

_But then suddenly you feel_   
_Something wet_   
_On your lips_

_And you see_   
_Something else_   
_Dripping onto the paper_

_Wetting it_   
_Soaking it_

_And you bring your hand to your face yet again_

_You touch your cheeks and your eyes_

_And it's all wet_

_It's all soaked with tears_

_You're surprised_

_You didn't feel anything_   
_Didn't notice anything_

_From inside_

_Spilling out off your eyes_

_But it seems that you're crying_

_Again_

_Like the weakling you are_

_The weakling you've always been_

_Already_   
_You can feel_   
_Their stares_

_You can hear_   
_Their whispers_

_Of_

_"What the hell is wrong with her?"_

_And you don't know_   
_You really don't know_

_And you hate it_   
_You hate that you don't know_

_Like you don't seem know anything else_

_You thought that this year would finally be good_   
_Really thought that maybe this year you could_

_Stand the pressure_   
_The stress_   
_The bad thoughts_   
_Which sometimes seem like threats_

_But you can't_

_And you wonder once again_

_Why you put that pressure on yourself_

_That useless stress_

_Why can't you stop procrastinating?_

_Why can't you start doing?_

_You always have time_   
_More than enough time_   
_To do it all and shine_

_Because you know you can do it_

_You just don't_

_And you hate it_   
_You hate it so much_

_You hate yourself_

_And that hate doesn't stop_

_Because you feel you deserve it_

_You're just lazy_   
_And dumb_   
_And freaky_   
_And stumped_

_And a disappointment_

_Maybe to no one but yourself_

_But that's the thing that's always mattered the most_

_"Don't care about what others think"_

_You've never done that_

_Never cared_

_About anything but your own thoughts and opinions_

_But that didn't make them good_

_Disappointing yourself_   
_Your greatest fear_

_Yet you seem to face it so often_   
_That is clear_

_And you're also afraid of disappointing the others_

_Because that would only make you more_

_Disappointed in yourself_

_You're scared_   
_So fricking scared_

_To look them in the eyes_   
_And tell them how you couldn't do it_

_The thing you were supposed to finish long weeks ago_

_You'd hate to see them lose their smile_

_You'd hate to be wasting their precious time_

_Because you always just seem to be doing just that_

_And now look at yourself_

_Shaking and crying_

_Hardly breathing and feeling like dying_

_You feel like screaming_

_But you can't_

_You open your mouth_   
_But nothing escapes_

_Except maybe sobs_   
_But those never count_

_Your throat feels closed up_

_And you wrap your hand oh so lightly around_

_You feel like you're choking_

_And you don't want to die_

_Or do you?_

_Why do you even try?_

_Pathetic_

_Just like you always are_

_Nothing less_

_Nothing more_

_Pathetic_

_And then you let your head fall_   
_Onto the wet paper_   
_Onto the wet ink_   
_Letting it stain your face and your skin_

_Closing your eyes_   
_Hoping to fall asleep_   
_And maybe never waking up_

_Or waking up and seeing the light_   
_That has long been missing from your miserable life_

_And you finally stop_

_Stop shaking_

_Stop crying_

_Stop thinking_

_Because what can you do_

_When all you are is just_

_Pathetic_

_Why should you continue_

_Trying to breath?_


End file.
